Family Systems

When it comes to families there is many theories and way to think about them and how they work one of these theories can not only help us to understand our families now, but it can help us to understand how we can build a healthy family of our own. This theory is called the family systems theory. The basics of this theory is that every family has a sort of system kind of like an ecosystem where everything works together to make things work. That being said there is some good systems that are better than other. This is important because we want to have the best system for our families so that we have happy and successful marriages and children that feel love and cared for and that can be capable adults that help improve their community.

No one is perfect of course but we can try to build our families systems to support these goals. Every person in a family is important and everyone interacts with the others forming relationships that are either very healthy or not so healthy. These inner relationships in a family system are called subsystem. With every system and subsystem there are boundaries around them that are part of what determine if it is a healthy system. You can think of these boundaries and three extremes though there is often a little more of a mix.

The first is a closed boundary. You may have had friend or maybe even have seen if your own lives with a relative that couple that doesn’t ever show affection and keeps to themselves whenever it is possible they don’t communicate with other and they seem well closed off. If boundaries are too closed like this and there is not enough flow of information, it can cause many problems. If a family is in a system like this, children can have difficulty making decisions for themselves and can even have mental disorders.

The second type of boundary is a family that has open boundaries. This many sound good at first but a family that has open boundaries like this is much more like a family that has no boundaries at all. They allow to much of a flow of information and they allow to many people to be apart and influence the relationships. Like a couple who lets their parents make decisions for their marriage. A home like this would also not have many if any rules or guide lines for kids. Children raised in this sort of home are often anxious and want the security that comes from a little more structure in their lives. They want to feel like parents care enough to make rules.

As you can probably guess there is a happy medium where there are clear boundaries set in a home but also a good flow of communication and individual agency. This may seem like an impossible task, but it is very possible to have this in your own families wheatear you have one now you want to change or if you want to have a family in the future. The way we do this is by setting up good communication with your spouse first. The most important relationship in a family is the relationship you have with your husband or wife. I have seen a huge difference in my own family with my parents were united compared to when one sided with one of the children. I am sure all of you have seen this happen at times in your life. There was almost always a fight with my parents if they were not united with each other. After you have established this important relationship you need to have appropriate communication and rules for your children I promise that even if they act like they don’t like the rules they will thank you for loving them enough to keep them safe.